Voting Guide to the 2016 Presidential Election

(This is partly satirical, but also dead serious) 

Are you as sick as I am of this election cycle? Tired of the TrumPets, the HillBots, and the Berners? Are you especially sick of the Rethuglican Party and Dumbicratic Party? Well I've come up with a few tips for who you should or shouldn't vote for in the upcoming election and a brief review of the candidates. If you vote this way, you will have the opportunity to smash the R/D binary once and for all. Though sadly, I don't think you will, but hey, it's worth a shot!!!

Tip #1: Vote for what you believe in and according to your values! Every 4 years we are forced to choose between eating a shit sandwich or getting kicked in the face, and depending on which one you see as less painful or evil, you vote that way. This allows the R/D binary to thrive and continue. As long as they can say, if you don't vote for X then Y will get into office, they both continue to win. It just goes back and forth between the two bad options that we don't agree with because we are so afraid of the other option. Stop it damn it, you're living in perpetual and irrational fear! Vote for who you want not against who you don't want. Next time I hear, "if you don't vote for Hillary you're voting for Trump" (or vice versa), I will shit in my hand and throw it at you, yes I will devolve to your level.

Tip #2: This seems obvious, but do some damn research! DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get your information from Facebook memes! I don't know how many times I see friends or family post stupid shit that not only has absolutely nothing to do with anything important, but is also downright deceitful lies and propaganda. Go to the candidates websites (which I will post some hyperlinks to below), look at legislation they have passed, go to reputable news sites (yes yes, this can be difficult and they are all bias, so read all sides!), look at statements they have made (make sure they actually said these things too, again, JUST SAY NO TO MEMES!), and if someone says something about someone and you do not know what it means either ask them to explain it or do your own research (I'm looking at you Hillary supporters who still refuse to understand what neoliberalism is). All in all, quit being lazy!

That said, here is a starting point for you to begin your research, based on who you are and what your personality type is (all based on my biased view of who follows these candidates and what I believe, based on my research of what they stand for. But don't take my word for it, think for your damned self). *These are not in any sort of order of preference... *All hyperlinks go to the candidates issues pages

Candidate #1: Hillary Clinton... You should vote for her if you really enjoy the bubble you live in! If you think every thing is hunky dory and you have some skewed vision that the 90's were so awesome (you're probably middle to upper classed and white), then you should vote for her. She is the status quo! Things will not necessarily change from the path we are currently on. If you are afraid of big changes, and think we should slowly inch our way toward progress (though this progress is definitely not happening for everyone, and many of us would disagree that much progress is actually happening...), then this is your vote. Ever wonder why the arrow is pointed to the right in her emblem? Me too...

Candidate #2: Donald Trump... Are you afraid of Mexicans? Are you afraid of Muslims? Do you think violence is the answer? Do you think you should be able to openly use racist terms, and think it's not a problem? Well then Trump is your f├╝hrer. He wants to make America white again. Oh wait, I mean Germany again. No, that's not it, he wants to make it hate again. Oh well close enough. If you believe rational politics has no place in politics then he's your guy. He is pure emotion, says what he wants (even when it doesn't make sense), and the people love him for it. I'm not saying you should actually vote for this the "tiny fingered, Cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon" as the Scots like to call him, but hey, he is an option, a terrible one at that. 

Candidate #3: Bernie Sanders (NOT REALLY A CANDIDATE ANYMORE)... Look I wanted Bernie to win, but if he's not going to be on the ballot, DO NOT WRITE HIM IN! Vote for a balloted third party candidate that has a platform you like. If a 3rd party gets 5% of the vote, they will be able to have public funding for the next presidential election, which is huge! If for some reason Bernie becomes the Democratic nominee, which would take an act of the spaghetti monster and all things unholy, then consider him. If he does, I will come revise this section, until then I'm saying don't truly waste your vote for purely a "political statement," see the next candidate for who you Berner's should probably turn to.

Candidate #4: Jill Stein... Are you a Berner and still angry about the way the Dems handled their primaries? Want to prove your more than just a Bernie Bro? Well there's a space for you with the mean green machine! Don't let the Hillbots scare you by saying, "oh I saw on Reddit that they're anti-vaxxers" or "anti-science." Oh yeah? Well if you take two minutes to do a little research you will realize that is bullshit. Seriously, you are not going to like everything every candidate (or people in that party) says and likes, but you can get much closer once you stop narrowing your choices to two people!

Candidate #5: Gary Johnson... Are you a Republican but you loath Trump? Are you socially liberal (or don't care about social issues) but consider yourself "fiscally conservative"? Do you have one of those stupid fucking "Don't Tread on Me" stickers? Well, Gary Johnson may just be your guy. While I do love his retort to Trump in his slogan of "Let's Make America Sane Again," and I love his retorts to Trump's racism, I still can't stand the Ayn Randian view of governance that libertarians promote, and until they can show a proven record of governance then I will call bullshit, but hey to each their own. 

If those 4 candidates don't do it for you, well here's a few more and their websites. Check them out! At the end of the day, I beg you, I plead, vote for who you want, not against the candidate you are afraid of. If everyone did this, our political system could be very different!

Other Candidates and their party

Monica La RivaThe Socialist Party of America (fairly similar platform to the Green Party but more hardcore, which I kind of like!)

Alan Spears: The American Independent Party (I know, it's an oxymoron, but hey, he's a wing nut)

Darrell Castle: The Constitution Party (For those who still long for 1776 and like wearing wigs)

Chris Keniston: Veterans Party of America (Yellow ribbons for EVERYONE! Ugh...)

David Boarman: Independent (One review said, "David Boarman has always believed in the Christian God - he just never acted like it until the age of 44." Man do I want to see his skeletons!)

There will probably be more candidates, depending upon your state, but those were just some to wet your whistle! Go find who best represents YOU, not who you are told to vote for because you are afraid Trump or Hillary would get elected otherwise. In fact here is a whole page of Presidential candidates and links to their websites! *If you would like me to add your flavor to this list, please let me know, send me their website!

Final Tip: Make sure you vote in ALL elections! Local (Especially these ones), county, state, mid-term, etc. NOT just presidential elections. And if you're not satisfied, get involved! Run for office! Do something!